For many years, I worked closely with not only one of the most successful church planters in my former denomination but also one of the most effective leaders. Dave Schieber had two qualities that never ceased to amaze me:
- He could accept and love everyone just as they were, even if he knew their faults and shortcomings well.
- In every situation, however busy, he could be entirely present for the person in front of him.
I’ve often shared stories about walking down the hallway with him on the way to a worship service, just a few minutes late, when someone approached us with a problem. Dave would immediately direct 100% of his attention to that person without hesitation, irritation, or distraction. This didn’t occur just once, but often enough for me to remember and internalize this quality.
Love and Leadership
It wasn’t until several years later, when I read The Emotionally Healthy Leader and Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, that I realized Dave was instinctively in touch with one of the most essential spiritual qualities leaders can have: genuine empathy born of loving concern for the other. [1] For those of us who are introverted, or who may have been damaged in childhood and have difficulty connecting with people, this quality must be developed as a part of the broader task of achieving emotional health and the ability to lead people truly.
It doesn’t take a lot of experience in business, government, the church, or any other form of social organization to realize that many people who exercise leadership positions care about nothing but themselves. The fact that leaders struggle with narcissism has been well documented, perhaps too well documented. One reason why narcissistic leaders are tolerated, and even occasionally celebrated, comes from the mistake of equating the position of a person with the authentic leadership of a person. If all that matters is getting a position, then the person’s internal health doesn’t matter. However, if the accurate measure of leadership is the ability to love others and build an organization conducive to their flourishing, the character and spiritual development do matter.
Signs of Trouble—and the Solution
If we are honest, we can see signs that we may pay attention to, and they warn us that our leadership is not optimal. For example, in meetings, do I speak more than I listen? Do I get angry with those who don’t immediately grasp my thoughts? Am I able to talk about the truth to other people in a way that they know that I love them? Do I try to avoid unnecessary conflict? Do I sympathize with the weaknesses, failures, and misdeeds of others even when I can neither agree with them nor allow the behavior to continue? Am I continually comparing myself to others? Am I jealous when others succeed? All of these characteristics warn us that we are both emotionally immature and inclined toward self-centered narcissism.[2]
On the other hand, emotionally healthy leaders recognize, manage, and take control of their natural human tendencies toward narcissistic behaviors. They can respect and love other people unconditionally, and without the expectation that they will change as a result. They give people the opportunity to make mistakes and not be perfect. They appreciate people for who they are, with their strengths and weaknesses. Because they are deeply in touch with their emotional world, they can enter into the emotional world of other people. In other words, they are empathetic. In cases involving conflict, they can maintain their emotional self-control and resolve conflict maturely. [3]
Sitting behind this capacity to make decisions and maturely resolve conflict is the ability to enter other people’s emotional world. Scazzero puts it this way:
As emotionally mature Christian adults, we recognize that loving well is the essence of true spirituality. This requires that we experience connection with God, with ourselves, and with other people. God invites us to practice his presence in our daily lives. At the same time, he invites us “to practice the presence of people,” within an awareness of his presence, in our daily relationships. [4]
You can see why Dave Schieber has made such an impression on my life. He embodies the ability to maintain an awareness of God while being fully present to others.
Overcoming “I You” with “I Thou”
We human beings are inevitably self-centered. We have no choice but to see the universe, including others, from our center within ourselves. That center and our natural self-concern incline us to view other people as objects. The great Jewish theologian Martin Buber wrote a book entitled “I and Thou,” which I’ve had opportunities to talk about before, and which Pete Scazzero uses in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. [5] At the very heart of the I/Thou relationship is the ability to see another person, not as an object, but as a person to be accepted and loved as they are.[6]
Truly transformational leaders can see others not as objects but as individuals motivated and loved to accomplish tasks within their abilities, talents, and interests. Although we occasionally treat other people as objects (something every leader has experienced), the capacity to transcend a merely objective approach and love all human beings defines a truly transformational leader. In discussing this within the context of Christian spiritual formation, Scazzero provides an excellent graphic of two concentric circles: one representing my world and the other representing your world, with a sacred space between them. [7]
Conflict and the I-Thou Relationship
Every leader, sooner or later, must deal with conflict. It is a natural tendency to avoid such conflict. However, avoidance is not always a good strategy. If the conflict is inevitable, and a decision must be made where people disagree, there will inevitably be a type of conflict. A mature leader can accept the reality of that conflict and manage it without engaging in, minimizing, ignoring it, or settling for a false peace. [8]
Listen and Ask Questions. As a pastor, I’ve often marveled at how much conflict is merely the result of misunderstanding. Many times, I’ve experienced conflict in a board meeting where everyone was really saying the same thing using different words. This is where listening is essential. I don’t mean just superficially listening to the conversation while you’re doodling on your notepad. Instead, one must pay attention to the meaning behind the words used. Are people talking past each other?
Avoid Mind Reading. A second problem in dealing with conflict is our tendency to believe that we know what’s going on in other people’s minds. I find myself especially inclined to judge people’s motivations without knowing what they are. Based on my understanding of the person, I assume I know what motivates them. But people are infinitely complex. At any given time, a person may reveal a new aspect of their personality amid this conflict and understand that deeper motivation requires asking questions, listening to conversations, and engaging in a dialogue concerning the matter under discussion.
Clarify Expectations. People often have unrealistic or impossible expectations of how a conflict will be resolved. Much of the time, people want their side to win and the other side to lose. Unfortunately, this sets the organization up for failure and one party up for complete failure. A better approach is to motivate people to verbalize and own their expectations so that they can come to their own conclusions concerning how realistic their expectations are in achieving the desired result.
For example, I was once involved in a lengthy conversation about when worship services should be held and what their nature should be. The session unanimously agreed that they wanted the church to prosper and grow. Unfortunately, there were two differing perspectives on how that would happen. One group believed it would involve embracing contemporary worship, while the other thought it should focus on continuing the traditional worship we enjoyed. Most importantly, many people felt attached to the worship time they were currently experiencing. It took considerable time for everyone to understand their motivations and recognize where they needed to adjust their perspectives in order for the group to prosper. Interestingly, the solution finally chosen was not the one that I and the other pastors desired; however, it worked marvelously.
Conclusion
This week, Christians celebrated Easter Sunday. This year, Kathy and I were priviledged to celebrate Easter in a new way, from Maundy Thursday and the Last Supper, with its emphasis on Christ giving his life for his disciples and the footwashing seen in John, both of which celebrate the servant leadership of Christ, to his crucifixion, death, and burial on Friday, to his descent into Hell while in the Tomb on Saturday, to his glorious resurrection, which we celebrated just after midnight on Sunday morning. The various Easter Vigil liturgies are one constant reminder of the true nature of God, and the true nature of Christian leadership, all of which is summarized with the words, “Greater love has no one than this: that he give up his life for his friends” (John 15:13).
There can be no Christian maturity without self-giving love—and there can be no Christian leadership without cross bearing. This is why Jesus told his disciples, who would share the gospel to the ends of the earth, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me” (Matthew 16:24).Leaders, of all people, must be cross-bearing lovers of those they lead.
Copyright 2025, G. Christopher Scruggs, All Rights Reserved
[1] As mentioned previously, these blogs are based on Peter Scazzero, The Emotionally Healthy Leader: How Transforming Your Inner Life Will Deeply Transform Your Church, Team, and World (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017), hereinafter EHL. See also Emotionally Healthy Discipleship: Moving from Shallow Christianity to Deep Transformation (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2021). Emotionally Healthy Spirituality,Updated Ed. (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017). The Emotionally Healthy website is https://www.emotionallyhealthy.org/. The materials needed to guide individuals through emotionally healthy discipleship training are available on the website and most Christian and secular online book retailers. The Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and Relationship Courses are offered as the “Emotionally Healthy Disciples Course,” which includes books, study guides, teaching videos, devotional guides, and teaching aids.
[2] EHS, 167-168.
[3] EHS, 169-170.
[4] Id, at 170.
[5] Id, at 172, see Martin Buber, I and Thou (New York, NY: Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1958).
[6] Buber, 14-15.
7 EHS, 171-172. If I were to prepare a similar graphic, I would depict the two worlds overlapping in the I-Thou relationship, indicating the true entry of the I into the being of the Other.
[8] EHS, 172-175.