Incarnational listening is the ability to focus fully on a speaker, understand what they’re saying, respond appropriately, reflect on the conversation, and remember the information for later. This includes paying attention to the speaker’s body language and tone, as well as the content of their words, keeping both the listener and speaker actively involved in the conversation. In other words, Incarnational listening is an activity of the entire person, mind, body, psyche, and spirit.

Here is how Pete Scazzero puts it:

To listen incarnationally is to enter into another person’s world, at a heart level, with the empathy of Christ, attending to their nonverbal cues as well as their words. This is how we demonstrate our love for them. We genuinely listen to what they say and feel…. And, in doing so, by God’s grace, they experience the presence of Christ through us.[1]

Incarnational listening is essential for disciples of Christ because it helps us build strong relationships with others, foster trust and rapport, resolve conflicts, ensure understanding, and create a Christlike environment in our churches and small groups. When people practice active listening, they are better able to understand the needs and concerns of others, leading to more effective communication and resulting action.

The Basic Skill of Incarnational Listening

The basic elements of Incarnational Listening are these:

• Paying total attention as a unified person to what the person is saying and to nonverbal cues, such as body language.

• Giving natural, empathetic visual proof that you are listening, including nodding and eye contact.
• Asking clarifying questions when you genuinely do not understand what is being said.
• Eliminating distractions and interruptions, including looking at your computer, cell phone, or email notifications, and the like, and discouraging people from interrupting.
• Demonstrating a focused presence, allowing the speaker to feel heard and validated.
• Confirming that you understand what the speaker has said, by repeating back to them your understanding of what is being said.
• Building a harmonious relationship with the other person, remaining in tune with what they are saying, what they are feeling, and how they are reacting.

Importance of Incarnational Listening

Many people find it hard to understand why practicing Incarnational listening is so vital in the life of a church, small group, or even in businesses, non-profit organizations, or government. A good way to overcome these feelings is to recognize that when we listen to others, we are taking a meaningful step toward showing our love and respect. When we listen in a nonjudgmental, caring, and respectful way, people feel valued. They also see that we truly understand or want to understand where they are coming from. Plus, there are other benefits to learning how to practice incarnational listening.

• Incarnational listening shows that we value the information others share with us. One vital aspect of building a relationship is letting people know that we appreciate their unique personality, struggles, strengths, and weaknesses. Incarnational listening demonstrates that we are in tune with their personal feelings and struggles.
• Incarnational listening promotes deep understanding among people in various relationships, including churches, families, small groups, and workplaces. Being an attentive listener encourages others to share openly and thoroughly, helping you better grasp important issues and allowing you to make wise decisions and take appropriate action.
• Incarnational listening promotes understanding among people, which, in turn, creates a healthy atmosphere within any group. Being a strong, attentive listener encourages people to share information, helping you better understand relevant issues and enabling wise, loving actions.
• Incarnational listening promotes psychological safety. Being a loving and attentive listener —reflecting back what you have heard, asking questions, seeking clarification, and encouraging others to share their perspectives — strengthens relationships, helping people feel comfortable and committed to the relationship.
• Incarnational listening helps develop those around you to become more effective, appreciated, and understood. It fosters the kind of profound personal change that disciple-makers seek—not just mental growth, but also emotional, physical, and spiritual change, as they aim to influence people emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
• Incarnational listening helps cultivate a listening-focused environment that is open to change and new ideas.  You and everyone around you become more emotionally mature and more willing to accept diverse possibilities, especially during conflict. Practicing Incarnational listening develops a culture of wisdom, love, and respect.

Steps toward Emotionally Healthy Listening

All human beings struggle to listen. We are often “in our own heads,” thinking about what we will say or do next. We think about our schedules and the many things we need to accomplish. Everyone struggles with short attention spans and the tendency to view and listen to the world around us through our own perspective. As a counselor, I have occasionally returned to my office after a hard workout and lunch, only to find myself fearful that I would not listen to the person across from me, but might actually fall asleep!

The remedy for all this is to learn a few simple lessons.

First, pay attention to the person you are speaking to. One goal of active and effective listening is to allow the speaker to think and speak without interruption or finishing their sentences. Learn to delay responding. Don’t cut the other person off, finish their sentences, or start formulating your answer while the others are speaking. Be aware of and control your body language while active listening. Stay in the moment, make eye contact, and try to enter the speaker’s thought world.

Second, try not to judge the other person or offer solutions to their problem while they are speaking. If you disagree with what is being said, find something true or helpful in what they are saying. This is sometimes called “suspending judgment.”  Most people do not come to another person when they feel that the other person is automatically going to criticize or reject what they are saying.

Third, Incarnational listeners repeat, reflect, and validate as much as possible what the other person is saying. Much of the time, we do not understand what another person is saying because we would not have said it or in in the same way. By repeating what another person is saying and paraphrasing their words, we allow them to correct our understanding, which may completely change what we think they said!

Fourth, clarify your understanding when you experience doubt. When I was in seminary, we were required to learn Incarnational listening (under the name of “active listening.” It was invaluable. In the course, we were discouraged from asking questions because the instructor wanted us to learn to listen intently to others. However, in everyday life, we sometimes need to ask questions to clarify our understanding. Learning to ask carefully thought-out, open-ended, clarifying, and probing questions is an essential listening skill. Additionally, they help the speaker reflect on whether what they have said is accurate.

Fifth, summarize for the speaker what you have heard and what they would like you to do in response. This allows the other person to correct any misunderstandings and prevents inappropriate actions.  Telling the other person what you have heard and asking what you can do helps both parties understand the desired practical outcomes of the conversation.

Finally, in a leadership situation, it is often necessary to share your reactions. It is important to remember that the end of a conversation is not necessarily—and usually not—the best time to share a response. It is always appropriate —and sometimes important —to say to another person, “I need time to process what you have said.” Often, a conversation is about what another believes you, an organization, or even God expects of them. Often, the best course is to take on the role of a coach, suggesting alternatives, providing new information, and drawing on your experience and that of others. It is essential not to give the impression that you have listened only to provide advice and direction. People want to be heard, and only if they feel truly heard will they accept new ideas or direction.

Connecting with the other as a Thou

To deeply listen to another human being, it is necessary to avoid seeing the other person as an object —an employee, a colleague, a parishioner, a child, a parent, etc. We must see the person as a person, as a “Thou.” When we do this, we enter the world of the other person in a deep and abiding way. In 1 Corinthians 6:6, Paul makes what might be seen as a harsh comment: “Don’t you know that he who is joined to an immoral person becomes one with that person? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.”

Embedded in this comment is a truism we should all remember: We become, in some way, connected to those with whom we have intimate relationships, for good or for bad. This is true beyond the subject of sex. We can be joined mentally, emotionally, or spiritually with another person. Human beings become joined in a special way to those with whom they have any kind of intimate relationship. This is true in every area of life. Once we develop a relationship with another person, we are never the same. Nor is the other person. That is why we must be careful to have self-giving, loving relationships with those we meet.

Seeking the Wisdom of the Eternal Thou

One reason to delay before offering advice and instruction immediately is that a key listening skill for Christians is to hear God’s voice in the situation. This applies in religious and secular settings. It is important to remember that Christ is the very LOGOS, or Word of God, through whom all things were made and without whom nothing was made that has been made (John 1:1-14).

This means, among other things, that the Word is the ultimate source of all real wisdom, both secular and sacred. The methods of science, technology, and business differ from religious methods, but the truth sought is the truth that God has embedded in the universe, human lives, and institutions. Christians, therefore, should respect all searches for truth, and non-Christians should respect the Christian search.  In the end, we are all on the same team.

When responding to others, we aim to foster understanding, care, and empathy. Our goal is to find a path that creates more love, wisdom, harmony, and progress for everyone involved, regardless of their spiritual, emotional, or physical state. This is true in our families, friendships, neighborhoods, social organizations, businesses, and governments.

Copyright 2025, G. Christopher Scruggs, All Rights Reserved 

[1] Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Relationships Day by Day: A 40-Day Jouneey to Deeply Change Your Relationships (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017), 132.