One of my favorite aspects of Emotionally Healthy Discipleship involves conflict resolution. [1] Often, Christians believe that conflict indicates failure in a church, relationship, business, or any organization. In this way of thinking, conflict is rare and should be avoided. Although there is some truth to this, the larger truth is that conflict is part of human life. In fact, conflict is one of the ways people, relationships, businesses, churches, organizations, and even political communities grow. What matters is not whether conflict occurs but whether it is managed wisely and with a view toward greater wholeness, integrity, and harmony —personal and social.

Kathy and I have been married for about forty-six years, and I’ve been a lawyer, leader, pastor, and church leader for a little longer than that. Over the past half-century, I’ve had many opportunities to observe how conflict is handled poorly. For most of that time, I viewed conflict as a failure and believed that (usually myself) had failed. This belief made me both avoid conflict and feel threatened by it. Having emotionally healthy relationships has allowed me to see the entire problem from a different perspective.

Blessed are the Peacemakers

First of all, let’s examine a text. In the Beatitudes, Jesus says “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God” (Matthew 5:9). As every first-year seminary student knows, the word translated as ‘peace’ in English comes from the Greek translation of the Hebrew word “Shalom,” which is often translated as ‘peace’. However, the idea of Shalom is much broader than just the absence of conflict. Shalom is a state in which everything is in its proper place. This helps us understand the nature of conflict and why we should not necessarily avoid it.

Conflict as a Warning Signal

When there’s conflict, shalom is absent. Usually, that absence of shalom indicates that something isn’t right. Something needs to change in my marriage or family. Something needs to change in my church. Something needs to change in my business. Something needs to change in our social organization. The presence of conflict isn’t just a problem to be solved; it’s a chance for personal and community growth. In other words, conflict is a warning sign that there is a lack of shalom and that we need to pay attention and take action to improve things. What’s important isn’t the conflict itself, but the root cause of the conflict.

Several times in my professional career, I’ve been involved in situations in which an organization was experiencing serious conflict. Interestingly, these conflicts are in some cases more than thirty years apart. However, they have some common characteristics:

1. Inside the organization, leaders and/or persons involved had a disagreement that they were not openly discussing or trying to resolve. Instead, they were involved in either manipulation or power struggles.
2. Organizational leaders and/or the persons involved lacked self-awareness about what was motivating their decisions, making them vulnerable to manipulation and imprudent actions.
3. The root of the conflict was often not the issue that sparked the conflict. In at least two instances, grief over a departing or former leader sparked conflict, as some mourned the loss while others took the chance to seize power. In both cases, the stated reason for the conflict was not the true cause and fear of change was a part of the unacknowledged cause of the conflict.
4. Organizational leadership and/or parties involved ignored the conflict until it erupted into an unmanageable situation. In other words, rather than face disagreements within the organization, they submerge those disagreements until the dysfunction reached the point where conflict was inevitable and uncontrollable. In most cases, once this point is reached. It’s also unsolvable and the organization will be damaged as a result.
5. Once the conflict broke out, instead of trying to understand the situation, many organizational leaders or persons involved simply took sides with one or more groups trying to gain control. After that, no one listened to anyone.

Learning to Dialogue in Difficult Situations

A wise older pastor once shared his observation about conflict in marriages. He said, “Most of the time, people ignore marital problems until the issue becomes so severe that counselors struggle to get them to communicate effectively and resolve the conflict. Most of the time, by the time they seek help, it’s already hopeless.” Unfortunately, my experience with all kinds of counseling and organizational conflict is exactly the same. By the time the conflict erupts, it’s often too late to fix the problem. The sad part is that most of the time, the issue could have been resolved—perhaps easily—if the parties had communicated earlier and better. In other words, most destructive conflicts are rooted in a failure of communication. The warden in the movie “Cool Hand Luke” so memorably said, “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” [2]

If communication failure is the problem, then communication success is the solution. In other words, leaders and organizations need to learn to communicate effectively, kindly, and wisely so that conflict can be either avoided or resolved and shalom restored, created, or enhanced.

Pete and Geri Scazzero, in Emotionally Healthy Relationships, have very helpfully set out a way to enhance communication in conflict even providing handouts and skits to show how the process works. [3] For many years, I have used a handout in regarding conflict for use in counseling that goes like this:

Rule 1: Be mindful of what you say. In any argument, avoid name-calling, insults, put-downs, or swearing. Putting the other party down or criticizing their character shows disrespect for their dignity. The best way to be careful with what you say is to refrain from speaking until you’ve clearly thought out the issue bothering you and even written down what you decided to discuss.[4]

Rule 2: Never resort to physical actions. Using physical force or threatening to do so—such as raising a fist or issuing a verbal threat—is completely unacceptable. Develop the self-control to manage your anger and behavior beforereaching this point. If anyone uses physical force or violence during a conflict, seek professional help. Force includes pushing, shoving, grabbing, hitting, punching, slapping, or restraining. It also includes actions like punching a hole in a wall, throwing objects, or damaging property out of anger. Acting out your anger in these ways breaks the other person’s boundaries and sense of safety. Everyone has the right to feel safe and free from abuse or physical danger in their relationships. Such behavior is a form of abuse.

Rule 3: Avoid anger, yelling, and similar behaviors. Expressing excessive anger or yelling only escalates any conflict. When emotions are running high, chances are nothing will be resolved. If you’re angry and feel like yelling, it’s best to step away and cool down. Keep in mind that what I consider yelling can be subjective. What seems like shouting to the other party might not feel that way to you. Maybe you’re unaware of how loud you sound. Or perhaps you grew up in a home where family members were loud and passionate, so talking loudly when upset feels normal. The other party’s experience is what counts here, however. If it feels like yelling to your spouse, then you are at least raising your voice, if not yelling. Consciously lower your voice. The meaning of your communication lies in how your message is actually landing with others. If you can’t tone it down because you are upset, then it is probably best to take a time-out.

Rule 4: Don’t hit below the belt. Everyone has vulnerable areas. Please avoid using your confidential knowledge of another party’s weaknesses and sensitivities, as it can hurt them and give you an unfair advantage. One reason for this is that it makes further conflict inevitable and, at the least, delays compromise.

Rule 5: Don’t play the Blame Game. Blaming the other party distracts from solving the problem at hand. It invites the other person to become defensive and escalates the conflict.

Rule 6: Never threaten divorce or abandonment (unless you truly mean it). During a heated marital argument, threatening to leave is manipulative and hurtful. It also introduces a negative option that should be avoided if possible. Such threats cause anxiety about abandonment and undermine your ability to resolve issues. They quickly diminish your partner’s confidence in your commitment. Trust, once broken this way, is hard to regain. It makes your relationship problems seem much worse than they actually are. This principle is equally applicable in organizational conflicts.

Rule 7: Don’t bring up the past. Stay in the present and resist the temptation to use the situation to raise other past issues. It’s discouraging to keep bringing up the past. You can’t change the past. You can only change today. You can look forward to a better future. Try to keep your focus on what can be done today to resolve the issue at hand and go forward from there. If you get off-topic, onto other topics, stop yourselves and agree to get back on track. You can always come back to other issues later.

If you do find yourself bringing up issues from the past, it is likely because those issues were never resolved in the first place. Things may have happened that you and your spouse never really talked about. Or you may have tried to talk about it in the past, but without fighting fair. This rule will be easier to follow going forward if you both commit to discussing issues as they arise rather than letting them fester.

This rule incorporates another rule: Every disagreement has to have a focus. One issue. It is not possible to resolve every issue between parties at one time. Be content with progress on one issue.

Rule 8: Talk about your feelings and experience, not the other party’s motives or experience. We all think we understand others’ motives and purposes. But the truth is, we don’t. We are only experts concerning our feelings, motives, and purposes, not anyone else’s. So, use words that describe how you feel, and what you want and need, not what the other party feels, wants, or believes. It may seem more straightforward to analyze your adversary than to analyze yourself, but interpreting another person’s thoughts, feelings, and motives will distract you from identifying your own underlying issues. It will likely invite defensiveness. More importantly, telling you’re the other party what he or she thinks, believes, or wants is presumptuous.  You are saying that you know your spouse’s inner world better than your spouse does. Instead, work on identifying your own unmet needs, feelings, and ways of thinking, and describe these needs and feelings to your spouse.

Rule 9: One person should speak at a time. During a discussion of differences, only one person should talk at a time. While one person is speaking, others should listen honestly and sympathetically—not just think about their reply. Take turns talking and listening so everyone can share their thoughts. Don’t start thinking about your next point or response while listening. Focus only on listening when it’s your turn.[5]

Rule 10: Keep an Open Mind and Be Willing to Compromise. Listening during an argument and putting yourself in the other person’s shoes is important. First, it helps you understand their point of view. Second, it shows that you are not rigidly attached to your own opinions. In other words, you are open to changing your mind. Finally, although there are times when one party is right and the other is wrong, it’s often possible for the parties to find a fair compromise. If the parties view any argument or disagreement as a conversation in search of a mutually agreeable solution, they are more likely to find a solution that benefits all concerned. [6]

A Witness to a Broken World

If Christians and others can find ways to renew a commitment to dialogue and conversation among people with differing viewpoints, we perform a valuable service to our society. There is no skill more lacking in our society than the ability to listen and engage in dialogue with others about difficult but important matters in the search for agreement or compromise.[7] This is one of the best ways we can incorporate the verse, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God,” into our lives.

Copyright 2025, G. Christopher Scruggs, All Rights Reserved 

[1] As mentioned previously, these blogs are based on Peter Scazzero, The Emotionally Healthy Leader: How Transforming Your Inner Life Will Deeply Transform Your Church, Team, and World (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017). See also, Emotionally Healthy Discipleship: Moving from Shallow Christianity to Deep Transformation (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2021). Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Updated Ed. (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2017). The Emotionally Healthy website is https://www.emotionallyhealthy.org/. The materials needed to guide individuals through emotionally healthy discipleship training are available on the website and most Christian and secular online book retailers. The Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and Relationship Courses are offered as the “Emotionally Healthy Disciples Course,” which includes books, study guides, teaching videos, devotional guides, and teaching aids. I cannot recommend these materials more highly to blog readers.

[2] Rosenberg, Stuart. 1967. Cool Hand Luke. United States: Warner Bros./Seven Arts.

[3] See, Peter and Geri Scazzero, “Clean Fighting Worksheet” (available through Emotionally Healthy Discipleship). See also in Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Relationships: Discipleship that Deeply Changes Your Relationships with Others (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2023), Appendix F. I have used my own take in this blog, which does not in any way indicate a lack of agreement with what Pete and Geri Scazzero have produced.

[4] See the discussion of the Ladder of Integrity, which is a wonderful tool for determining what the issue is and who to address a conflict in G. Christopher Scruggs, Journeying on the Path of Life “Integrity: The Well-Formed Disciple” https://gchristopherscruggs.com/?p=4186 (Posted November 10, 2025). Finally, if one desires to learn the Scazzero method there are helps on their website at www.emotionallyhealthy.org.

[5] See the discussion of Incarnational Listening in G. Christopher Scruggs, Journeying on the Path of Life: “Integrity: Listening to be a Better Disciple and Person” https://gchristopherscruggs.com/?p=4186 (Posted November 10, 2025)

[6] Chris Scruggs, Rules for a Fair Fight (Unpublished Counseling Handout, updated November 2025).

[7] In two entirely different contexts—those of political philosophy—I have written extensively about the issue of the lack of genuine dialogue in today’s discipleship theory and political culture. See G. Christopher Scruggs, Crisis of Discipleship: Renewing the Art of Relational Disciplemaking (Richmond, VA: Living Dialog Ministries, 2023) and Illumined by Wisdom and Love: Essays on a Sophio-Agapic Constructive Postmodern Political Philosophy (College Station, TX: Virtual Bookworm, 2025).